As you may or may not have noticed, I’ve been quiet for awhile. We’ve had some major upheavals in our home that…I was not exactly expecting even though I was the one who had to make the call. Any of you who know me can surmise what this was, and for those who don’t, the details of what happened are not exactly relevant to the point of this post.
I’ve mentioned before how I don’t think parents, and moms especially, put themselves first, that they let their kid rule the roost and lose their identity as actual people and don’t exist outside of being “Junior’s Mom.” To be fair, it’s kind of our job to think of our kids before anything else. This was ultimately what led to me making the decision I didn’t want to make. I had to put my son in front of me. But now…now I need to parent through a lot of feelings. Like, shitty feelings. Depress-y feelings. Angry feelings. All them shits. And I need to do it in a way that my son won’t feel the effects forever and take it out on some poor lady in the future. I have to put myself first. So here is what I’m doing to maintain balance of Kiddo and me and our home.
– Friends-ing. I have them. In droves. We hang out. We play Cards Against Humanity. They give me Sons of Anarchy season 5 on dvd so I can binge watch Jax Teller’s sweet, sweet ass. We also like…
– Drinking. Booze. A lot of it. Together. As friends. Sometimes, I get weepy. And they are there to tell me that it’s okay. And also to get weirded out that I am not a robot. We do not have much to do with robots, however, for the record. I also got drunk with my parents. And lived to tell the tale.
– Cleaning. Give me all the sponges, scrub brushes, and Clorox. Give me a Swiffer duster. Give me expensive essential oils from the Body Shop so I can lay on my bed and enjoy a job well done while also covering up that bleach smell that is probably eating my lungs. Also, mowing the lawn.
– Baking. This is my happy place anyway. Do you want something? I’ll make it. Don’t even worry about what it is. I’ll figure it out. Or I won’t and just give you banana cake. Whatever. You’ll eat it and like it.
– Parenting. I feel like the past few months, my kid has been on the back burner. Not, like, in a horrible Jade Barrymore way. But just enough where it was starting to affect him. I’m remembering now that our relationship is a 2-way street so I take him to do fun things like going to the Verizon store where I wait nearly 2 hours for a new phone. Kids love it. But really. The kid has been on his best behavior lately because I think he can tell I’m not myself. And for that, I gotta give the kid props (props = mac & cheese for dinner). We also watch movies of which I approve (no Buddies, no Power Rangers, no BeyBlades.) And, you know, PTA shit, too.
– Not parenting. That means putting him to bed and going on the front porch with friends and booze to kvetch and cry and laugh. It means saying an emphatic YES when someone offers to take him for the afternoon/evening. It means going to see your hairdresser and coming out with black and purple hair because so what you are 31 and a grown-ass woman who pays her damn bills. And it means remembering that you are a worthy person who is raising another person to be independent and considerate and it’s okay to spend a Sunday doing nothing because fuck it. You’ve both worked hard, so frozen pizza and Hercules it is on Sunday.
What I’m finding amidst all this is that with the right people in your life, you can get through the shit. Your kid is a part of that. But just a part. You need friends or family or both. And if you’re really lucky, you’ll find ones like mine. I know logically that all this will pass. It doesn’t feel that way. But it will and I will wade through this shitpile of feelings with a lot of help from people who don’t know me as Mom. Because that is how grownups gotta do.