About a month before I got married, my Aunt Pat sent me a sizable gift card to Victoria’s Secret as a wedding gift. It came with instructions to buy myself some fancy underpants and whatnot. Brushing aside the fact that I was about eight weeks pregnant (because I was obviously going to be a magical unicorn of a woman who lost all baby weight two weeks after the serene birth of my son), I tore through the Victoria’s Secret website, buying all manner of lacy, frilly, generally useless pieces of clothing with my honeymoon in mind. It was a lingerie bonanza, and being that I had never really cared about matching my bra and underpants, it was a revelation.

About a year and a half later, those fancy underthings sit in my drawer, pretty much untouched since my husband and I returned from the world’s tamest trip to Las Vegas. I currently sleep in something Ross affectionately (I think) calls “Sexy Fester”. Basically, when maxi dresses started appearing everywhere, I convinced myself to buy one, because clearly nothing looks more attractive on a six foot tall woman with child-bearing hips than a straight column of long fabric. It was black and basically looked like the world’s longest wife beater tank top. When I got home, I realized that it looked terrible and decided to use it as a night shirt. My husband told me I looked like Uncle Fester. I wore it rarely, until it got warmer and I realized that if I cut off about two and a half feet of fabric, the maxi dress would become a kind of tolerable nightshirt. I wore it to bed and Ross said something like “Ooooh, sexy Fester!” and we never had sex again EVER.

About a week or so ago, Ross handed me a hundred dollars and told me to spend some money on myself. I was super excited and had no idea what to buy, since I was instructed to only spend it on me, not on stuff for the house, or the baby, or a hundred dollars’ worth of gummy bears. Since I don’t work anymore, having my own money is weird. I am basically in charge of all the bills and finances, so I am constantly spending money, be it at the grocery store, or the stupid City of Richmond Department of Public Utilities, or at Starbucks. However, I can’t remember the last time I bought a decent pair of shoes or a cool new purse.

I decided to replace Sexy Fester with something a little less boner-wilting and commenced looking for an affordable but not slutty alternative. Did you guys know that the Richmond is a veritable jackpot of ugly sleepwear? I mean, I’m sure I could have gone to Nordstrom’s and found something really nice for a huge amount of money, but the thought of spending all hundred bucks on something I was sleeping in felt wrong. Plus, I wanted to refill my contact prescription. So I looked at Target, TJ Maxx, Marshall’s, Ross, and Kohl’s… All the places a bargain-hunting sassy sleepwear aficionado could think of, and I came up short. I’ve got nothing.

For now, I’ll continue to wear my husband-repelling sleepwear. But seriously, do you guys have suggestions? Because I have like forty bucks burning a hole in my pocket.