We’ve all read how our friend Lauren doesn’t want more children and how frustrating it can be when everyone around is asking/pestering her about it.  I feel her pain, but for a totally different reason.

I have heard for years, “So when is baby number 3 coming?”  “Are y’all going to have anymore babies?”  “Your girls really need a little brother, you all should keep trying!”  Usually I just nod or politely deflect the questions.  Using a smile or general “we’ll see” to hide the pain.  See unlike Lauren, I do WANT more kids. 

When I was young I always thought I would like to have 3-4 kids.  Closer in age but not so insanely close that I wouldn’t have a break from being pregnant in between.  You know, that idealistic view that things would work out just they way I wanted them to.  But that’s not what life had in store for me.  When we started our family we were young and it wasn’t exactly “planned”.  But either way, it work out.  We took time between our first daughter and our second because we needed to become more stable.  Financially and other wise.  When we decided to have our second kid it was planned and I was so excited I could hardly stand it. 

During my pregnancy I had some trouble.  My pelvic bone separated and it made walking, standing, laying down and basically moving in any way almost unbearable.  Being that it is not a recognized condition in our country I was told to more or less suck it up.  In other countries in Europe and Australia it is a recognized condition and they will provide medicine, belts and even demand bed rest.   Here, not so much.  Whatever.  I was told to use a wheel chair if it was “really that bad”.  Those that know me understand that I have a very high threshold for pain.  So for me to complain it had to be really bad.  And it was.  It was awful. I couldn’t sleep because I was in pain, I had to roll out of bed like a beached whale, I couldn’t go to the grocery store for more than 10 minutes at a time because the walking hurt so bad I would be in tears.  And to top it off I had a 3 year old to run around after. 

After 4 months of pain, our daughter S was born.  And she was so worth it.  That’s why I said I would do it again in a heart beat for another kid.  Not because I’m sadistic and want to be in that much pain again, because in my research I have found once you have pelvic bone separation with one pregnancy every pregnancy after it just gets worse and worse.  But because the end result to me is so worth it. 

Sadly it will never happen again though.  We have decided that we want to be grown ups and be financially responsible.  We want to provide for our kids and not strap ourselves or stretch ourselves thin.  Blah.  I hate being a grown up.  I hate making the “right” choice.  It means I’m done.  No more babies.  No chance at a little boy.  No more breast feeding, because yes that was one of my favorite parts.  No more sweet baby smell.  No more.  And as much as I intelligently know it is right decision, that we are doing the right thing and that we will be much happier this way, my heart breaks a little and I can’t help but be sad. 

So when I hear non stop about how we should try again.  We should go for that boy.  We should have more babies because (insert whatever lame shit people come up with here). I want to scream.

  Family is the worst.  Telling people that they should save their maternity clothes for me, not because I’m pregnant yet but I should be.  Telling anyone who will listen how much they want another grandbaby/niece/nephew/cousin while I am standing right there.  I have had to leave family functions early or spend way too much time in the bathroom at gatherings because I don’t want them to see me cry.  Because I can’t handle the comments and the droning on and on about why they think I need another kid.  Part of me wants to just yell, “if you want me to have another kid so fucking bad why don’t you buy me a new house and make sure I have enough money in my bank account every month to provide the way I want to”.  Yeah not quite the best thing to scream at funneral/baby shower/wedding/family dinner.

My husband feels bad.  He feels like it’s his fault since he doesn’t make more money.  That is not how I see it.  We sacrifice a lot for me to stay home and be with our kids.  We made that choice and I wouldn’t change it for anything.  I love being home (most of the time).  I love getting to teach my kids what I think is important not what they learn from others at daycare.  I love it all.  And having kids is fucking expensive!  We make sacrifices for our kids and this is just one of them.  I just don’t need to be reminded all the time. 

So before you ask your friends or family why they don’t have more kids.  Or when are they going to get knocked up again, think about how pissed or how hurt they may be.  Because some of us really don’t want anymore occupants in our uterus and some of us would love to but can’t.