If I Won The Lottery

My job has kinda sucked for the past six months. I spend a good portion of the day stressed to the edge of losing my shit and burning down everything in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job, I’m good at my job, I just live under a giant pile of work and it’s crushing me to death. (That may be a slight exaggeration.) Sometimes (all of the times), to give my brain a little break I’ll play the “if I win the lottery” game.

First, I’d never set foot in my office again. The lottery winners who go back to work are messed up. They should have the winnings taken away from them and given to me. Then there are all the obvious and boring parts of winning millions of dollars – hiring a money manager, setting up trusts for family and friends, paying mortgages, investments, charitable contributions (Planned Parenthood, NPR, PBS, other good liberal causes). Now, all the boring stuff is done and I’m ready to really have fun.

We’re gonna go on a giant, crazy vacation. Bring family and friends along to a villa in Europe. We’ll spend days eating cheese and drinking wine and doing whatever the hell we want – probably a whole lot of nothing. Do some sightseeing. Meet the locals. Invite three men who may be a friend’s father to come and spend time with her. Sing Abba songs. Uncover vast conspiracies with our knowledge of arcane symbols. Wear magic pants that fit all of us even though we’re different sizes. The usual.

When that’s over, back home to buy land and build a dream house and start a little farm. The house will have a huge, gorgeous kitchen with all top of the line, professional grade equipment. There’s gonna be a giant library with lots of windows, comfy chairs, a fireplace, snacks and coffee.I’ll have my own bathroom with a big soaking tub and shower with a few nozzles. There will be rooms for the boys filled with therapeutic toys and furniture. My guy will have a nice workspace for his hobbies. I’ll have one for mine. We’ll have a massive theatre room. There will be a pond and a pool and a hot tub. It will be ours and wonderful.

I’ll buy an Airstream so we can take epic road trips. I’ll get an insane amount of laser hair removal and never shave again. I’ll go to culinary school. And to college to earn some literature degrees. Or maybe political science. Or history. Or everything. I’ll read whenever I want. I’ll learn to garden and grow my own veggies and fruits and learn to can and preserve. I’ll nap.

Naps and books and learning and a happy family. No debt, no anxiety, no choosing between two things I want but can’t afford. They say money can’t buy happiness; I’d like a chance to test that out myself.

What’s your lottery fantasy? Or stress-break daydream?


  1. Delaney

    If I won the lottery, I would definitely hire someone to wake up at least once a week, but probably every day for at least a year, with the sax solo from Careless Whisper. I haven’t decided yet if that person will actually be playing the saxophone, or just using the ol’ mouth trumpet…(mouth sax? No, I don’t like that…Mouth trumpet._

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