Being a Grown-Up Is Dumb Except When It Isn’t

Man. Being an adult is so fucking stupid sometimes. Bills. Slowing metabolism. Age-appropriate clothes. Hangovers. Not going to that show you wanted to go to because you got drunk 2 nights ago and now you’re tiiiiiiired. Yard work. All of that shit? SO DUMB. And when you’re a parent? Shit is even WORSE because you are expected to SET AN EXAMPLE. So that means you can’t punch that dude in the face who won’t shut up about his kid’s affinity for learning Japanese and love of organic kale chips. And you can’t call that woman a “fucking twatwaffle” at the top of your lungs just because you hate the way she runs that committee on the PTA (please note that EVERY SINGLE PERSON I’ve met on the PTA at my kid’s school has been VERY NICE and these are just EXAMPLES of what COULD BE.)

But in the past few years, I’ve realized what is awesome about being an adult besides eating cake for breakfast (who’s gonna tell me no? My MOM? HaHA! NO WAY.) or drinking cocktails at 2pm because VACATION. (Or not vacation. Whatever, you’re an adult!) ANYWAY. The thing that is most awesome about being a grown-up is that you don’t have to put up with bullshit. As a kid, you’re in school, you’re in soccer, you’re always in something where someone is telling you that you have to do this and you can’t do that and whatever. Now, this is not to say that as an adult, your life is magically bullshit-free. Clearly, we know that is not the truth. The DMV exists. Work is stupid and everyone complains about it. Clearly, murdering people is something we should all avoid.

What I’m saying is that shitty person over there? The one that you don’t really like? And is friends with your friend and that is why you hang out with her, even though she has never contributed anything to your life, or even your conversation except a minor headache because she sounds like Fran Drescher? Yeah, you…can just not hang out with her. Instead, why not shoot a text to that other lady? You know who I mean. The awesome one who always compliments your hair and wants to drink wine and help you craft. Yeah. That one. She seems like she would be way more awesome a person with whom to be friends. You’re not being mean. You’re just not dealing with stupid bullshit. Because you don’t have to.

Oh man. Did you just get an invitation to that thing? And that guy is going to be there? The one who is always around and drinks too much and gets a little handsy and then asks you, inches from your face, why you don’t like him? Well. Fucking tell him why. Say, “I don’t like you because you’re handsy and creepy, so stay away from me.” Then walk away. Maybe he’ll call you a bitch. But you know everyone else is thinking about how awesome it was that you told this dude what the business was. I guarantee someone will compliment you for it. Someone will bring you a beer. And maybe you’ll even make an awesome friend who admires your tenacity and bluntness!

The point is, we don’t have assigned seats as adults. Maybe you work with someone who sucks, which can suck for you. It really can. Because there isn’t a whole lot you can do, but maybe there IS something. Move your desk! Talk to HR! (Probably not HR from Bad Brains, but I dunno, maybe he’ll impart some Rastafarian wisdom or, at the very least, tell you that you gotta keep that PMA.) You’ll figure it out. I’ve mentioned before how important it is to have a great circle of people around you to help you along your way, especially when you’ve hit a bump in the road. Why not have more than one circle? Then your bases are covered. And you keep things interesting. And, again, the point isn’t to be mean. There are some social constructs that we should all adhere to, even in the face of shitty people, catching flies with honey rather than vinegar and all that. And! If one circle wants to keep the shittiness, cool. You can move on somewhere else. People like you! (Probably. Unless you’re shitty. In which case, stop that so people will like you.)

You’re going to have to put up with some level of bullshit. Because life is full of bullshit. SO FULL OF IT. (Seriously, laundry is so dumb.) And you will come into contact with shitty people, and sometimes they will be unavoidable. (See the aforementioned DMV.) But MAN. It’s such a fucking relief to FINALLY realize that you don’t have to deal with a person or a situation anymore. No one is giving out awards for Most Bullshit Loaded On Shoulders (also known as Martyr of the Year.) In fact, most people would rather you just shut the fuck up and have a good time. People who are actually your friends, that is. And by the time you’re an adult, you should be able to figure out who that is. Friendship is a 2-way street and when you are only on the other side of the street, it’s time to move on. So go forth and enjoy stuff, with the full knowledge that these assholes can only bother you if you let them and then you can wake up in the morning feeling like Angela Chase when she realizes that she’s over Jordan Catalano.

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