So, I turned 32 yesterday which, eh, whatever. It’s a weird age, and it’s a total “mom age” which I can’t describe more than me thinking that I should shop at, like, Talbot’s or something but I don’t think I’d shop there if someone paid me to do that (lies, I will do a lot of things if money is involved). Anyway, in a non-life-crisis sort of way, I’ve been thinking about 32 vs. 23 or any other age I’ve been, really, and would like to share with you (both of you) some things I’ve learned along this batshit insane black diamond trail I’ve called my life. Some of these are no-duhs to some of you, but shut the fuck up and get your own blog and don’t tell me my business, devil woman! Anyway, ahem:

• You can’t change him. Or her. You’ll hope they change for you, but if they don’t, it’s on them. Listen to this song by Jawbreaker in which the narrator is an idiot who fucking blew it. Feel better about yourself.
• On the flip side, you can change. You can quit being such a dick or such a pushover or so goddamn selfish. Give it a go, people will like you more.
• I fucking hate mayonnaise. And I’ll never change my mind. Ever.
• Hangovers get really bad as you get older. Like, awful.
• I’m not a career-ambitious sorta gal. That said, I’m figuring out how that helps me. My job allows me to have a Life and Friends and Family and all the stuff I love. In return, I get kinda shitty pay, but am negotiating for more and I get to wear what I want, take time off when I need it, and I have a fucking 401K! I am gonna a part of your SYSTEM.
• Being a parent is difficult and confusing. I love that kid more than anything in the world. I also love being away from him sometimes. Mostly I love that I don’t care that I admitted that to you people. Hashtag: notafuckingmartyr.
• No one has it together. Not one single person. Not even the woman with the 3 kids and the perfect caramel highlights who heads up that committee on the PTA, coaches soccer, and works full time. Sure, she might not be completely bonkers (although, realistically, yeah, she probably is) but underneath that organic bronzer is someone JUST LIKE YOU who probably just yelled at her kid for doing something dumb and had to change her linen tunic from J.Crew because she spilled coffee on it in the car trying to turn up the radio because Hall & Oates just came on. Everyone is an idiot. But not everyone is a dick. It’s cool.
• Friends are as important as family, and family can be your friends.
• I hate shots. If I’m drinking whiskey, it’s going to be at LEAST Jameson and I’m not going to waste it by shooting it. Sip that shit and enjoy it, you idiots.
• Having good hair makes me feel like I can do anything in the world. I’m blessed to have an AMAZING hair artist who is also a dear friend and makes me feel fucking gorgeous when I get out of her chair. In return, I’m attempting to master the art of vegan baking. It’s…going.
• It’s cool to have boundaries about shit you don’t like, whether it’s weird sex stuff, roller coasters, or eating an octopus. But it’s also important to challenge yourself once in awhile. Don’t be a snooze all the time.
• Being in a relationship can be all right, but it doesn’t define my life. I’m not some unlovable sack of crap because I don’t have someone to call my boo. Other things are happening, and it’s pretty rad finding out what those things are.
• I’ve seen the Naked Gun about 58 times and I fucking love the shit out of it.
• I’m not above liking dumb shit. No one is. If someone seems like they are, that person is a goddamn liar. Again, everyone is mess.

That sums it up for now. I’m sure there are other things that I know (like how to diagram sentences, or most of the bands on any Solid Gold 70s compilation), but I just wanted to show all of you idiots how much smarter I am than you! Wait. No. I didn’t want to do that…I just wanted a self-indulgent post to display that I’m kind of an adult and maybe some of you are on the same page, and perhaps you’d like to drink a beer with me and discuss it sometime. Okay, the end, happy birthday to me.