Category: Society
Feminist Friday: Guilt.0
Being a feminist can be exhausting. Every news story, every new show or movie, every walk down the street is fraught with misogyny and anger. There was a time when I didn’t really pay attention to things. I identified as feminist but was not actively engaged. I could get by with an eye roll and my name on an online petition, then back to whatever young, carefree thoughts I had at that time.
As I’ve gotten older, the shit the world throws at us has become worse, or more constant, or maybe I just have less energy to ignore it. Whatever the reason, I can get tired of awareness. Yelling at the television and ranting about the patriarchy is a full-time occupation and I already have too much to do. So, I’ll purposefully not think about all of the things currently pissing me off. I have little escapes and watch decidedly anti-feminist tv. I’m referring specifically to Tosh.0 on Comedy Central, my guilty pleasure.
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Feminist Fridays: Raising a Not-Douchey Boy
I wanted a girl. I wanted a girl SO BAD I convinced myself that I had one inside of me instead of the boy I knew was in there before I even had that damn ultrasound because I like to pretend I have a sixth sense (I don’t). But I grew up with 2 older half sisters, one younger, uh, full? sister, and a plethora of female friends. My plan was to raise her to be a little badass. Play guitar, read Steinem, fight against the patriarchy, listen to 7 Year Bitch. (Some might have suggested “SPORTS!” but we, as a clan, are not athletically inclined at all.) So when I got that ultrasound, and saw my kid poking at his wiener in utero, I thought: What am I gonna do with a boy? Was he gonna grow up to be like his irresponsible father, unable to grasp the concept of accountability? Could I teach him to respect women, despite what his “boys” might dictate later on? That catcalling WON’T win him any points with the ladies (or with me)? Would he follow in the footsteps of way too many dudes in my family, dudes who enjoyed making comments about other women (for better or for worse) in front of their wives and daughters? Worse yet, would he grow up to be an entitled fucktard who was mean to girls? Or, my worst nightmare, a boy who thinks that what happened in Steubenville was okay because girls who are labeled as “sluts” are asking for it? Cue panic attack.
During my pregnancy, I had already resigned myself to the notion that I would mostly be in charge of the kid’s upbringing. His father is…much like a child himself, a statistic of a broken home that I did NOT want to translate to our son (look at me, being diplomatic). So, when our son was 3, I did what any smart feminist would do and gave his father the boot. He sucked up my money, time, and soul and I knew our son was not being brought up in a happy home, nor one that was teaching him how to accept responsibility for himself. In true feminist fashion, my already amazing friends (both male AND female) stepped up to help me out with childcare, advice, and wine.
Bombs In Boston
I’m sure everyone knows that there were bombs detonated near the finish line of the Boston marathon yesterday afternoon. As of this morning when I left my house, there were three dead, almost two hundred people wounded. They aren’t sure how many devices there were beyond the two that exploded. Whether this was an act of domestic or international terrorism is still being investigated. The bomber’s motive is still unknown.
I first learned about the attack from an NPR email alert on my phone. I was still at work, unable to turn on a tv or go hunting online for news. Later, a “story” showed up that was a compilation of tweets, full of pictures that clearly showed blood and injured people. I was sickened, both at the sight of the destruction and the decision to publish those pictures. I deleted the email before finishing, there was no way I could look at all of the images and keep my shit together at work.
When I got home, MSNBC was on. As I sat down to watch Chris Matthews, I was curious to know if anyone had come forward, if they were sure all of the bombs were diffused and accounted for, if there were attacks anywhere else. Instead, I saw video after video of the bomb itself. There was live feed showing people taken away on stretchers. Chris had witnesses calling in to go over what they saw or felt. And in the middle of one of these calls, he asked “Did you see any limbs or body parts lying around?”
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Feminist Friday: Pretty Is As Pretty Does
Pretty is one of my least favorite words/ideals/concepts. It’s a little word that brings so much grief, I wish I could banish it. It’s usually given as a compliment, as a word to value and cherish, as a point of pride, but it’s actually condescending and limiting. It’s a way to damage a girl’s self-esteem, one tiny “compliment” at a time.
I know there are people out there reading this and shaking their heads, tut-tutting silently, thinking “goddamn feminists, are you every happy? Can you ever take something at face value instead of shoving your hang-ups into everything? Quit your whining, be happy someone calls you pretty.” But that’s why it’s so insidious. It’s not big and scary and violent, so you don’t complain.
Pretty is a word used as a compliment almost exclusively for women. Call a man pretty and its an insult – you’re saying he’s feminine, delicate, fragile, ornamental, and probably not all that smart. Here’s the thing – you’re saying THE SAME THING when you use it to describe a woman. But we’re supposed to be proud of those things, because…vaginas? Pretty doesn’t carry the gravitas of beautiful, it’s a couple rungs down on the attractive scale. It has no power, no strength, no use beyond “I like the way your face/body looks.” And it’s given to girls as an accomplishment.
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I STILL HAVE A UTERUS!
Really. I do. My oven, far as I know, is entirely capable of cooking a bun.
So, I always wanted kids. Always. When I was a kid and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would tell them I wanted to be a mom. I didn’t ever think about the logistics of that or what my family, exactly, would look like; just like when you ask a six year old what he wants to be and he says, “Optimus Prime”, it doesn’t god damn matter what he will have to do or even what he’ll do when he IS Optimus Prime, that’s what he’s gonna be.
This longing to have children wasn’t just to be someone’s mom. I wanted to carry them, birth them, breastfeed them. As I moved from fantastical child into early adulthood I realized that being single, working in the industry I work in, that pays well, but not over the top, would present a challenge. I was determined, none the less, and around 20 I started looking into lesbian (who doesn’t want to fuck dudes to get pregnant) friendly options. There are numerous sperm banks out there and one relatively close, affordable and easy to work with.
Cuccinelli Needs to STFU & GTFO
We have MSNBC on all day, every day in my home. Scott and I are loud and proud liberals, which can be a little tough living in the Richmond VA area. We live in Eric Cantor’s (uugggghhhhhhh) district and there’s lots of Tea Party license plates and road signs along my daily commute. Our neighborhood is primarily working class African-Americans, which is awesome and means I don’t worry about my car getting defaced for the Obama stickers. But outside our little pocket, we’re surrounded by our political foes.
The Governor’s mansion is currently occupied by Bob McDonnell, or as Rachel Maddow calls him, Governor Ultrasound. A while back, he tried to make trans-vaginal ultrasounds mandatory for all women seeking abortion services, even when medically unnecessary and against doctor and patient wishes. The governor obviously has never had a trans-vaginal ultrasound, so he had no idea how invasive and uncomfortable the procedure is when it *is* necessary. That little attempt to diminish women’s reproductive freedom garnered a lot of national attention and left me angry and embarrassed of my state. But he’s just the tip of the intrusive, faux-conservative iceberg.
Our Attorney General, and Republican gubernatorial candidate, is Ken “The Cooch” Cuccinelli. He’s the worst. When he came in to office, he altered our state seal on pins and around his office because OMGTITTIES. I refer to him and McDonnell as faux-conservative because they are. They’re anti-“big government” when it comes to social programs and services – Medicaid, welfare, food stamps, Head Start, free school lunches and a whole litany of services that directly affect me and mine because of the whole autism thing – that I just can’t even get started on because I’ll have a ragestroke and now isn’t a good time for that. So, small government, nanny state, free market, job creators, blah blah fucking blah.
Put Your Damn Pants On! 