Hopeful we’re not Naive.

Before we started this process we read several books and all of the internet.  There isn’t a lot of [accurate] media and I don’t personally know any lesbians, who have gone through this process, to draw experiences from, so the internet and books were our reference to get things started.  It led to some missteps, as different doctors have different letters after their names that we didn’t know we needed to look for, sometimes we didn’t ask the right questions right away and ended up wasting our time, and laws and practices vary so much employer to employer, state to state.

I regard Virginia and myself as pretty smart ladies.  We did a good amount of research, we have asked the doctors we’ve seen, what I feel are, strong questions (in addition to the dumb ones).  We have a good understanding about what it’s going to take to get me pregnant.

It’s a really fine line, staying positive, and hopeful, that everything will go as it should, while simultaneously preparing to have our hearts broken.  It’s a complete emotional roller coaster.  We’re both trying to convince each other, in moments of doubt, that everything is going to be fine, that I’m Fertile Myrtle over here.  Two minutes later we’re having to talk each other down so, if it doesn’t take right away, we don’t curl into a ball because we were too naive about the entire thing.  There is no middle ground, when you want something so badly and you have no practical experience with it, it’s all or nothing.  ALL THE TIME.

I imagine everyone who is actively trying to get pregnant goes through this sort of process. That your life can suddenly turn into the longest sets of two week cycles, waiting to pee on a stick, you could never have imagined.

As previously stated, I spend lots of time reading the internet.  There are blogs and chat rooms and support groups all over the damn place for women ((because apparently fathers-to-be don’t give a fuck and will just find out when they find out) according to the internet) going through the TWW, as it is, apparently, referred to.

We’re not people of god, as mentioned in earlier posts, but that is not to say we don’t have faith.  We do, lots of faith, lots of support, we’re strong intelligent women, it doesn’t make any of this any easier.

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2 comments

  1. calliegarp

    I’m not ready to be a mom – not yet. But this is something that has been weighing on my mind a lot late for some unknown reason. My partner and I waiver – sometimes we want to adopt but then that traumatic experience seems so scary. What you are going through right now is equally scary though, isn’t it? Thank you for sharing your story. I sincerely wish you only the sweetest journey towards a baby.

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