Guest Post: I Won’t Apologize For Being Assaulted
Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault discussed frankly
Today’s guest post comes from the awesome Beth – “a recovering scenster 30something stay at home wife and mom. I listen to the Descendents from the comfort of my suburban home while cooking barefoot and pregnant to Bikini Kills Rebel Girl. I may not have it all figured out but im constsntly searching for a balance.”
According to sexual assault statistics, “One in four college-age women report surviving rape or attempted rape since their fourteenth birthday.” This is a pretty well known fact and probably won’t come to any surprise as I’m sure you, a girlfriend/boyfriend, ex, sibling, parent, child, teacher, babysitter, or neighbor in your life has been a victim. What might surprise you is how sexual assault can really inconvenience other people. No, seriously. I mean, what a total bummer to have to know that a friend of yours was manhandled by someone else – it just makes you feel bad, ya know? Or what a total drag to be friends with that certain someone who has been accused of this, I mean… jeez. Give you a break right? It’s not like they did it to you. You weren’t even there and I could totally be lying.
Wait. What? Let me go back…
I totally bum people out because I happened to have been sexually assaulted by the singer of a band they like. Like REALLY like. I know, I know. I should have tried harder for a band just begging to be rejected and ridiculed so it wouldn’t ruin your iPod rotation but hey, then again, it really wasn’t my choice. But man, what a total inconvenience to poor you to know something bad about a band you love. Just ignore the facts, I mean it WAS a long time ago. It’s not like I can still remember I was wearing cargo camo shorts and a v-neck white Hanes t-shirt… an outfit TOTALLY putting off do-me vibes with my freshly shaved head and not shaved legs and…wait. Hmmm.
Did you know I also make people feel awkward because I will openly post about my assault on Instagram or Facebook wherever I see mention of this band by “friends?” I mean…that must be really uncomfortable for them…me invading their personal space like that. Like the kind of invasion if someone were to pin them against a wall by shoving their hands down their pants from both the front and the back while pressing their entire body weight against 16-year-old, 90 lb. them as they cry and try to fight them off. No, no wait, it’s probably not like that but still. What a buzzkill. I mean, I should just learn to keep my mouth shut. I didn’t press charges so like…what right do I have STILL bringing it up? I’m sure he’s changed and moved on in life. I hear he’s a GREAT guy.
You know, it’s funny because…well, no it’s not. It’s not funny. It’s sad. It’s sad because there was a time in my life when I felt completely comfortable to confront a complete stranger, in person, wearing THIS BAND’s shirt or patch. I would tap them on the shoulder, look them in the eye and say “Hi, my name is Beth and the singer of THAT SHITTY NY PUNK BAND WITH SHITTY LARGE HAIR AND BONDAGE PANTS sexually assaulted me when I was 16. You may have heard rumors of him doing that before but from here on out you can never say you didn’t meet a victim and have the chance to hear their story.” Sometimes they’d want the details, sometimes they even admitted they had heard it about him before. The one amazing thing all of these complete strangers had in common was that they BELIEVED ME. They felt compelled to talk, cry, relate, or brainstorm. Like this was a totally fucked up thing that happened and we were not gonna sit by and take it anymore. In the end, 100% of the people I talked to removed the shirt/ patch/ pin/ etc of the band. One boy even took his shirt off and heaved it into a fire. All really small gestures to you, but to me it felt really empowering to tell my story. To have someone, through actions, say, “Yeah man. I’m on YOUR side.” “You can only be a victim if you admit defeat,” were words I lived by. These random faces gave me strength by standing behind me and… Yes, yes, true, we were younger then. Young, naive, full of energy, and allowances, so much more passionate about rights and wrongs and doing good. Plus, we totally weren’t in the middle of a beer with our friends and you know, I wasn’t “killing the vibe.” Or the shirt wasn’t “vintage,” and patches weren’t reaaally hard to come by. I mean that could totally be from their first tour – that’s worth SOMETHING. Barf.
So, ya know… now it’s been roughly 16 years since I was assaulted and that past will never change. I’m now a wife, a mother, a homeowner, a business owner, and yes still… I’m all of those things PLUS the girl that J___CoolBandLastName assaulted. In the many, many years that have passed, my need to speak about that night has never changed. Where once I traveled to fests far and wide and stood proud in my Bikini Kill shirts and screamed “Here I am, this happened.” I am now just a stay-at-home mom who finds time to look at Instagram between diaper changes and feels the need to leave a comment, “Oh, hey, that guy in that picture took away all sexual desires for 10 years by assaulting me, underage, at a friend’s house. He’s the reason I didn’t have healthy sexual relationships til my mid-20s. Oh and you look great, btw! xoxo bff ttyl. Cute kids! #hashtag #hashtag.” I dont have the time or sitter money to go out and yell anymore, but I still feel my own self-satisfaction because I won’t sit down and I won’t shut up.
In this time where the internet has made opinions widely available to the masses, I still feel like that one comment could reach 1,000 stranger eyes all from the comfort of my couch. While that’s a pretty far stretch of activism from the former life of ACTUALLY meeting people, where things REALLY changed were not my story/approach but the reactions. As we get older and nostalgia sets in, we reminisce about those old bands that got us here. We want to sing along and get sitters for weeknight shows because, dammit, we’re still young! And maybe some of us are still touring and we wouldn’t want to burn any bridges with bands we might get to play with… or maybe we are bar buddies with certain bands at far away fests and ya know.. might need a favor from them one day. Or book them to headline local friends’ fests in RVA because… I mean…they DO still draw a crowd. Yeah, sure, I get it. You’re lazy too. I expect a big reaction from you by only putting out a tiny tidbit of absolutely torturous information about my vulnerability and underage sexual experiences. But no, no, no. You’re right. Maybe if I marched in a parade, you’d at least “like” my photo but asking you to confront a friend or possibly not put other women in danger by bringing him around or NOT BUYING HIM BEERS AS IF HIS PRESENCE IN THIS TOWN WARRANTS CELEBRATION. I…ugh. I’m tired too. Maybe we’re just too old to give a shit anymore. If only there were a way to repost meaningless online articles for masses to see by clicking one button that in turn puts an unheard story out for millions of new eyes to read from the comfort of a computer chair. Then and only then might I get a little support but… wait no, no. It’s still just he said-she said. And really… what if it got back to him? It might make a situation awkward. Awkward like having someone shove the back of your head at their crotch while trying to explain, “It’s just a little 1,2,3 you can do it,” while you put all your strength in your arms to steady your weight and almost bite through your tongue trying to ensure your mouth is locked… Oh no. No, wait….
Well, guess what everyone. Here I sit during nap time, comfortable in bed, laptop open, protesting in my own half-assed way as your friend. Or maybe I WAS your friend before I moved out of the city to start a family. Maybe I was only ever just your bartender, waitress, checkout girl, seamstress, childcare provider, ex-girlfriend, show promoter, charity worker, show goer, or even just the girl in the bar seat next to you. But here’s who else I am: I am the survivor of a sexual assault at the age of 16 by a man more than 10 years older than me. This man cornered me in a room and tried to force me to perform sexual acts on him, stating he would tell everyone in the van I did it anyway so I might as well. When I fled the room, he chased me down the hall, pinning me against a wall and shoving his hands down every orifice he could find while shoving his mouth over mine to prevent my muffled screams and tears from being heard. When I eventually broke free, I locked myself in an abandoned room until friends came to me. I slept in that room only to be disturbed once by a band member who simply knocked on the door and said, “You don’t have to open the door, just listen. You don’t even have to tell me what happened because I already know and I’m really sorry.” And I’m not sorry if YOU CAN’T HANDLE THAT.
When I came out that next morning, 16 years ago, the band was gone, my wallet was stolen, and I was left a shirt by the band as if it were some sort of consolation prize. The irony of the band’s name, and me being a CASUALTY in my own right, was not lost on me. All these years later and every time I write those words, speak them, re-live them, I choke back vomit. I remember how The Singer smelled, tasted, his jagged rotten teeth, his worn leather skin, how the band argued about not cutting their hair because it was their statement, and mostly how utterly fucking helpless I felt. How scared, dirty, ashamed, used, rejected, confused, alone, and ruined I felt. I feel all those emotions when my friends play shows and fests with this man. When they put their arms around him at bars, when they defend him. Hell, I feel all this just because he simply still breathes. Through my travels, I met other girls and heard their stories and know that no justice has ever been served. Not legally, not musically, not even a small road bump in his band or his shitty pathetic life. And now… now I’m at fault for telling my story again I’m sure because man…you already bought those show tickets and they WERE $30.00 and you don’t want that going to waste. Yeah, I get it. I told. I’m the bad guy.
Well, fuck you Jorge. Fuck you and your shitty band. I don’t want to be your victim or storyteller. I want to be the wife of my husband and mother of my son without ever wearing your memory. But I can’t. What I can do is raise a man who respects women and their boundaries, but even then your shitty legacy will live on behind the reasons and examples I lay out for my son. I’m not your victim, asshole. I’m your survivor. And this is my story and if it makes you, friend, uncomfortable, well then at least we share some common feelings for once. Ya know…”I’m so sorry if I’m alienating some of you, your whole fucking culture alienates me.”
MOD NOTE: Thanks for all the support!! We’re happy we could give Beth a space to share her story. We love how quickly this story has spread, and hope it’s making an impact.
That being said, this is a tiny blog run by a group of friends in our spare time. We’re not really equipped to handle all of this activity. I’m trying to monitor and approve comments as they come in, but I have to sleep and work, so some may take awhile. Please please please keep things civil, no threats of violence, that sort of thing, I want to let everyone (except for obvious trolls) say their piece.
And, as we hear from more people on other sites, please keep things cool elsewhere. It’s amazing to hear some of the actions people are taking – from simply sharing this to being inspired to admit their own assault. But, again, please don’t threaten violence or any sort of criminal act. We’re better than that, unlike the abusers and assaulters of this world, we can actually use our minds to make a difference.
Thank you again!!
-The Damn Pants Team
Put Your Damn Pants On! 
http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelzarrell/survivors-of-sexual-assault-tell-the-numbers-behind-stories?s=mobile
Sometimes, a lot of times, no one hears. We have heard. Thank you Beth.
❤
Thank you for sharing your story. That must’ve been difficult and you are very strong. I am wondering if you have ever thought about pressing charges against him? Although it was long ago, it seems that there will be many other victims who might come forward if someone does, and then maybe justice can be served, or at least it will become documented and more public knowledge.
How about instead of teaching our daughters not to get raped at a party or putting blame on the parents, we teach our sons and men not to rape? Right? Right.
please, katy, drop the hollier than thou tumblr cliches. i have been sexually assaulted twice. at 15, “dateraped” my virginity by a 21yro (current habitual convicted pedo sex offender) and at 19, i woke up from being passed out from too much liquor to an acquaintance (who i would never in my life consented to messing around with) on top of me WITHOUT A CONDOM! i had to hit her in the stomach when she wouldn’t stop. that scag gave me herpes and genital warts.
every time i have a herpes outbreak, i wish i had pressed rape charges on her, but at that time i didn’t think females raping males was even in the same ballpark as males raping females.
i was so wrong. male victims are ridiculed, sexually devalued, bullied, and victim blamed…even by so-called rape-advocates (female victims-only advocates) because 10 F-M rapes couldn’t possibly be equal the realness of 1 M-F rape.
instead of blaming men and their sons exclusively…teach everyone to be aware of their environments, the company they keep, and that the legal and moral repercussions are gender blind.
it’s my responsibility to look both ways when i cross the street and it’s my responsibility not to get wasted and pass out in a house with people that i don’t trust because the next time it could be some man (OR WOMAN) raping me and adding HIV to my collection of rape souvenirs
Because teaching our sons and daughters not to steal and murder is already working out so great. Teaching a person motivated to do bad things, what ever that motivation might be, will not stop them from doing bad things if they really desire them.
That is a tired, moot, cliché buzz line for neo-feminists whom undermine actual legitimate feminist activism.
I’m pretty certain the amount of sexual assault that happens is utterly disproportionate to the amount of decent or even moderately morally compassed parents.
How about instead of copy and pasting moot quotes you provide actual discussion to the issue. Even if it’s an anecdote it would be of more relavence than this tripe.
First of all Kevin, I’m sorry that happened to you, it isn’t your fault. I don’t believe rape is ever the victims fault (male or female). You have the right to do whatever you want and go unraped, it is not anyone’s responsibility to make sure others don’t commit that horrible act. However that being said, it cannot possibly hurt to teach our children to avoid certain high risk situations, because it may be useful to them. As long as you let your children know that no matter what they have done, they are not deserving of rape; it will not harm them to give them safety suggestions. It is the same as you might view a cancer, for example you would never blame someone for getting breast cancer whether they got mammograms or not, but you also would not be against promote regular mammograms.
Where are all the parents of these 16year olds getting raped? Why are parents letting their children go to parties with a punk band with grown ass men! Drop your kid off at the show, pick them off immediately after. Simple . Better parenting is where a change needs to start.
In theory that’s a great idea. But in reality, not trusting your child to be able to go out with friends without mom or dad showing up to regulate will not only provoke trust based alienation on the part of the teen, but also deprive the teen of much needed experience in developing into an independent adult, who can act responsibly and take care of themselves. It falls on the parents to instill responsibility in their children and educate them, so that they don’t end up in dangerous situations. And it falls on the community to watch out for each other, and step up when something fishy is going down. But most of all, it falls on everyone to not be a shithead and victimize people. Teenagers are going to get themselves into questionable situations, it’s part of growing up. If we all do our part, hopefully some terrible occurrences can be avoided.
Very well said.
This can happen to adults as well, who do not have people waiting to pick them up. This can also happen in many places other than concerts, like pep-rallies and school dances (like that poor girl who was violently assaulted at her school dance in Richmond, CA).
Teenagers, if kept under lock and key, are likely to find a way to break free of overbearing control. It is their curious and growing nature. Parents can not be with teens 24/7, nor should they be if they want to have raised a capable and functional adult. It is up to the parents to give the kids the tools they need to live in this world.
No.
I think you’ll find if people stopped raping other people that would be a good start.
No one is a sexual object, no one is a peice of meat to be handled, no one is to be used and/or abused for sexual gratification.
A parent cannot stop a rapist. If a person wishes to rape then they will try to rape someone.
Stopping rape is most definately the key.
Better parenting will lead to less rapist to begin with.
Georgie, you took the words right out of my mouth.
Wy don’t you ask more questions like why this perpetrator thought it was okay…why do people think it’s okay to assault other people? Stop victim blaming and focusing on the lack of parenting. Parents aren’t always going to be there that’s why we need to educate children growing up on how to respect each other and victimize other people. If you wanted to argue bad parenting, who the hell raised this guy to think it’s okay to do these things to other people. We shouldn’t have to protect ourselves or alter our lives in anyway to accommodate people who choose to do these crimes. No one should have to sit inside and not live their life because shit bags like this exist. Start asking better questions that don’t victim blame. When people victim blame it doesn’t allow that person to feel supported or come foreword and report these crimes. Think of how many people have been hurt by this one person.
This is why better parenting is where a change needs to start:
Childhood environments that are physically violent, emotionally unsupportive and characterized by competition for scarce resources have been associated with sexual violence.Sexually aggressive behavior in young men, for instance, has been linked to witnessing family violence, and having emotionally distant and uncaring fathers.Men raised in families with strongly patriarchal structures are also more likely to become violent, to rape and use sexual coercion against women, as well as to abuse their intimate partners, than men raised in homes that are more egalitarian.
So yes, kids now need better parenting to prevent this in the future. And rapist now need some kind of mental help. And parents shouldn’t be so naive these days and know the dangers out there. Educate yourself before you let your “trust worthy” middle school, high school kid out into the world hoping they will make the right choice. It’s a fucked up sick world out there in my opinion .
As a parent of a daughter who was brutally assaulted(this therefore qualifies me to speak about what I am about to say), The argument about blaming parents Vs. perpetrators Vs. victims (for any number of things)?? I think that instead of focusing on one area to reform we should just start with what works. Some teens(such as my daughter) would not listen to me. i was told that the new generation was different and that I just didn’t understand. That I was overly protective and paranoid. There was not a rapist hiding behind every corner. It didn’t matter what my exhortations were, they were unheeded until my child was irreparably damaged by a brutal group assault. I am angry at parents of boys. I sympathize with the young man who posted earlier about f-m sexual assault and this does not negate his experience but it is certainly more the exception than the rule. The fact is that the rule exacts way more of a heavy unbearable price for young women in particular. Although older women are not exempt. Apparently young men under the scope on this one.
In my observance it seems to me that boys are not socialized in any meaningful way by their parents. I say this having 3 daughters who are heterosexual and have the daunting task of sifting through the never ending supply of selfish, narcissistic jerks out there to find the rare and valuable normal male human being. It seems to me looking from the outside that boys are sort of left to themselves and have created their own code, rules and conclusions about their social mindset. What was always an undercurrent among men is now entering the mainstream with the recent photos of the young girl being dragged around a party like a rag doll and left for dead. This was a compelling image and yet the media carried on about how the lives of these young men would be just ruined. The fate of the young girl was never mentioned on mainstream that I saw.
Why aren’t parents of boys active in teaching them about how to live in the world without violating women. As a young mother I was repeatedly told how difficult it was to raise daughters and how easy boys were. They were just so easy because “boys will be boys” is the mantra. Of course I was offended, it seemed like they were telling me that the pitied me because I would have to struggle with all of the menses and possibility of my daughters getting pregnant or raped I did/do)
Well ,here is what i have to say about that now that my 3 daughters are grown women. I have experienced the whole thing and here it is: I guess I would say that boys are easier to raise than daughters although certainly not more or less valuable by a long shot. I would agree that boys are easier to “raise” than girls, if by raise you mean that you don’t have to really teach them anything but toss them out into the world to join the pack and watch them go. I mean, they don’t really have wombs or anything. They can’t carry a baby. It was believed that they couldn’t experience rape. What happened to teaching them not to be aggressors. How to be good friends, boyfriends, husbands,fathers, uncles and brothers. What about teaching them the value of honor, hard work, responsibility, emotional support or simply teaching sympathy and empathy.
Every aspect of male rites of passage is hallowed in celebrated apparently and every rite of passage for girls is met with hand wringing and worry. Men used to be the protectors of society. This has most certainly changed as young men feel no responsibility at all for their place in society. There is no honor, no connection apparently to a societal responsibility for themselves or the greater good. Indeed why don’t the parents of boys step up and teach their sons, guide the development of their brains. Teach them to acknowledge their feelings. Go against the pack. What is hard to grasp about why this would be important. We are not cave people. Society is a less desirable place without good men who know how to have relationships that are healthy, how to give to others and have the experience of seeing someone blossom from their love.
I do not agree that is still allowimg the idea that these men simple xannot help but rape because they are men. That is bullshit, we all have the right to be safe and men have the right not to be treated like sexual predators, because all men are not rapists yet society makes excuses for those who are by making it their survivors problem.
really?
this doesn’t suddenly change when 16 becomes 22 and the parents no longer have a say.
the culture is the problem. i was 16 once and my friends have kids that age. you can’t keep them under your thumb. they will sneak out. the problem is the culture. that can be taught. what are the warning signs. what is rape culture and what does it look and sound like?
i believe that boys will also be taught to know and reject rape culture. just knowing that it has a name and can be rejected in union with others is a powerful start.
You’re right. I’d know, I’m literally 22…
Dude… ‘letting their children go to parties with a punk band with grown ass men’? Teenagers go to shows, in cities, because they can. They can get on the T or subway, and see a band play music. Stop blaming ‘the parents’ for everything that happens in bars.
I always thought he was a rapist. It always made me sick that he was in his 30s when I was in my teens and he dated nothing but teenage girls. If it’s any consolation, an old friend of mine in Austin punched that dickhead in the face while he was in the middle of a set at Emos. The funny thing about it all was how quick that snaggletoothed mf’er ran to the nearest cops to try to press charge. I guess it’s only punk when he rapes underage girls but not when he gets his ass kicked for being a creep. I’m sorry for what you went through and I’m sorry that awful band still has a career and still tours the country.
Anyone on here even try to get the supposed rapists side of the story? I’m not here to put blame on the victim whatsoever. I know many people whom I love dearly, men and women, who are victims of rape and assault. I am just here to say that I am weary of an anonymous post about a rape that happened many years ago. Has she talked to the police about this? Also people, if there is a group of promoters that is booking a band where a member is being accused of rape, how the fuck does anyone else have anything to do with a single persons action? Please just think about that for a moment. But anyways, you have your opinions and I have mine, and this is it. I’m not saying I believe her but I’m not saying I don’t. I’ve just seen too many people hurt in my life by women crying wolf. I just really hope this isn’t one of those instances.
Jorge of The Casualties. Not that anonymous.
the person who wrote the story is anonymous Vickie, obviously not the band… Nobody knows who this chick is, and its the only story we ha ve heard about him supposedly raping someone…. search around the internet, you will see all matter on the subject is deleted because there is no proof, no real person accusing him of the actions. Until then, we have to use discretion on we read on the internet.. just cause its posted on the interweb doesnt mean its true.. if so, then im a french model.
Actually she isn’t anonymous, it has her shit listed under the article. Elizabeth.
have you ever reported a sexual assault or rape to the police? its not easy. also, filing a report does not make it more true than if it wasnt. it is a humiliating and terrifying position to be in and also, victims are usually called liars so most people dont come forward. 1 out of 6 rape cases are reported. if she is lying, that sucks however, its the mentality that because you know women who have lied before that makes you think all women lie about it. its disturbing and sad.
Kayla, what I have to say has pretty much already been said by all the other people who can’t believe someone would say the cruel things you did, but I’m throwing my two cents in anyway.
You said “girls brush the shit off and move on with their lives. I didn’t even remember the times this had happened to me until i read this post.” Congratulations, your rape or assault or being “groped” wasn’t as traumatizing as Beth’s or mine or the other people who have posted on this, and you were able to “brush the shit off.” That’s great, I’m happy for you, truly. Because as Haydn stated, roughly 80% of us can never “brush the shit off and move on.” I could sit here and say that the only reason why you said you didn’t even remember it happening to you is because it never did and you only said it to make Beth look and/or feel bad, but that would put me on the same level as you and that’s not who I am. So, again I say congratulations for getting over your abuse. I haven’t gotten over mine. Most days I don’t think I ever will. I still think about the pregnancy and miscarriage that resulted from my rape 4 or 5 days a week, sometimes more. I still can’t think about my old high school friend or see her picture without seeing my rapist’s face, because I met him through her. Sometimes when my girlfriend wants to have sex and is trying to be sexy and seductive and slowly tries lowering her hands towards my waist I can’t help but freak out and jump back, even though I know she’s not trying to hurt me in any way and would never force me do to something against my will. (And before you say anything about the girlfriend, no, my rape did not turn me into a lesbian, girls have always been my preference.) I can’t help it. My rape fucked me up. A teen pregnancy and miscarriage, depression, suicidal thoughts, a bad drug addiction. All because one asshole chose to not listen to the word “no”. Now I’m paying for it, most likely for the rest of my life, and so is Beth.
I hope in 10 more years, when it will be 16 years later from when it happened, I will be more past it, because I know I’ll never be “over” it. I hope I won’t have an anonymous, or not, blog post on some site about it because I need to share my story again for whatever reason. I hope one day Beth and myself and all the other victims can just “brush the shit off and move on with their lives.” But maybe we won’t. But we don’t need any more people blaming us, telling us that our stories are just that, stories, whether for attention or to get someone we don’t like in trouble or whatever. You don’t know Beth. You don’t know me. You don’t know the horrors we’ve been through. Because they’re OUR horrors. They’re OUR stories, OUR memories, OUR rapes, OUR assaults. We don’t need people like you telling us our stories are bullshit and that just because we maybe went into the room with him (I also chose to go into the room with him, but I didn’t chose for him to stick his penis in me) we were asking to be raped. Walking into a room with a man does NOT mean that sex will happen, either by choice or force. Once you can get that through your head, maybe you can stop telling sexual assault victims that we need to just brush that shit off and move on.
I’m so sorry that is part of your past, never able to erase. Many yrs ago a friend of mine ended up hanging out with ‘these guys’ in New Orleans & she came home with stories of what pigs they were & how rude they were to her & girlfriends, so this story, sadly, doesn’t surprise me. I was up in the air about listening to them after hearing my friends tales, but now you can be assured none of their music will cross my speakers ever again!!
I pointed out that I have heard these stories many times before on the Casualties statement’s comment section and was banned. So you know. Theres that.
She never said “Rape”. Doesn’t make it any better, but we shouldn’t just throw around a word like that.
Rape is forcing someone to do sexual acts, he tried to force her to do oral sex, but I would still call it rape whether it was only attempted or not. It’s not far from rape, so it’s hardly throwing the word around. I’m sure she’s just as traumatized.
If these accusations of sexual assault are true why hasn’t anyone filed police reports. If the accusations are true and you are not telling the police then you are allowing this so called preditor to keep assaulting others.
mark its just not as simple as that….it took me 17 yrs to speak up about my childhood abuse… I was passed around like a 3 yr old sex doll to men who wanted, will they didn’t want to hold my hand that’s for sure…17 yrs of nightmares 17 yrs of shame and blame that we the victims place on our selves…..this girls account of what happened to her was on a womans support site. most likely reposted to facebook by another to start a wild fire. she knows she cant go to the cops 16 yrs later what proof would still exist so to all you that say why doesn’t she go to the cops and report it. I say wise up you know they wont do a god damn thing. What Beth did is bring her story to light. it was brave on her part. she knew everyone would call her a liar and hate her and send the death threats but she still spoke up..and maybe some day down the line the next girl Jorge targets maybe she will recall the story of beth and her pain she suffered through this man…..beth is in every form a hero for atleast speaken up about her assault……
Take a look at whats happening here in the UK with the Jimmy Saville abuse cases and other historic cases featuring well known celebrities, it doesn’t matter how long ago it happened, they can get a conviction. Stuart Hall was locked up last year for sexual assault charges dating back to the 60s, theses scumbags only go unpunished if you let them
Because this happens.
http://www.salon.com/2013/11/21/law_enforcement_reportedly_told_victim_of_alleged_sexual_assault_her_life_would_be_made_miserable_if_she_pursued_rape_case/
I just found out what the band is and I’m posting your blog on their page a few times. Maybe I’ll post it some more if I get the feeling like I should. I want to help you protest. ❤ I'm glad you weren't a "Casualty" 😉
Are we surprised when a Killer Whale kills a human when the word killer is right there in the name? Should we be surprised when punks act like punks? While The Casualties are being criticized for this ( Which I think Jorge should be accountable ) many fans still hold names like G.G. Allin or Sid Vicious up high as people of a movement devoted to anarchy. I am on the side of the writer on this subject but I don’t understand how we could be shocked by this kind of behavior coming from flagrant scum bags.
Killer whales don’t actually kill humans, you dolt.
Seriously, fuck you. Categorizing punks as rapists. Anarchy is about freedom from coercion. Sexual assault is a form of coercion. Why should I b surprised when a beer drinking jock says something stupid. Because obviously beer drinking jocks ARE ALL morons since you are one.
oh wow this is the most ignorant comment yet. you really are a dummy.
Wow.
First off, fuck, dude. I am so, so sorry this happened to you. I am so happy that you have built a wonderful life for yourself and you have not let that awful experience ruin your life. You’re a badass.
Secondly, this is the first I’d heard of allegations against him, as somehow I’ve managed to stay relatively unaware of the band’s going-ons outside of the music the band released, regardless of having been a fan for 10+ years and an . It’s sickening, and brings an experience I had when I was a teenager into a frighteningly serious light. I was 15 or 16 and ended up sitting in a bar with the band and another teenage female pal, drinking illegal beers, and the aforementioned scumbag singer started getting closer and closer to us, being a creeper basically. One of his band mates, who over the years I have had many beers with and seemed to be a stand-up dude, announced it was time for us to leave and walked us back to our hotel. It had never before crossed my mind that something terrible could have happened.
I am also now so, so bitterly disappointed in this other band member, who I have considered if not a friend, then a friendly professional acquaintance, who I genuinely thought was a good dude, has stood by and watched this shit happen. I don’t understand how people can sit by and watch sexual assault occur.
If you want to try and make a change.
http://www.change.org/petitions/venues-promoters-across-north-america-drop-the-casualties-from-upcoming-tour-dates?share_id=fiBujqHUXO&utm_campaign=share_button_action_box&utm_medium=facebook&utm_source=share_petition.
How can we just assume someone with no name, no face, no identity says that this happened with no specifics, no dates, no geographical location, no names and yet everyone takes this as gospel. This just seems like there is a whole hell of a lot of emotions and very little proof.
I personally think that this happened with everything else that has been said about the dude but c’mon, what is an internet blog with no identifying facts going to do but make even more people hate each other.
Posting anonymously just takes away the legitimacy of people actually trying to do things legally, and really trying to put a stop to people doing this.
Maybe next time this dude does something like this, the victim may actually press charges, deal with the pain of trial and make sure this dude doesn’t victimize another woman. He apparently has done this more than once. This could have all been stopped from him if one woman raised her hand!
All the other women he did this too thank you.
I don;t blame the person of posting semi-anonymously. People who have been victimized have different, legitimate reasons for why they respond in the way that they do. Unfortunately, cases like this are difficult. There is an allegation, and a denial by the accused. I don’t know what’s true. It is a very serious allegation, but there are good reasons for the maxim of “assumed innocent until proven guilty.” Without further evidence, I believe it is premature to jump to a conclusion of guilt. This is not victim blaming, or rape apology. If the story posted is true, then certainly there should be consequences for Mr. Jorge. But I just don’t know. There is a delicate balance between not dismissing victims and not jumping to conclusions.
Wait, she’s seriously supposed to give us the date and the geographic location? Am I reading this correctly? Has rape culture really gone this far? She doesn’t owe you anything. And when you get comments like this for sharing your traumatic story, you really think she’s going to want to post her name or go to the police? Some victims just want to try to move on with their lives. It’s very traumatic going to the police and having to recount details of something you’d like to forget. I was raped at 17 by my boyfriend. I stayed with him (the rape was not particularly violent, so I shrugged it off but never really got over it) because I was naive and blinded by “love.” I didn’t want our friends to have to pick sides, and at the time I had a friend who reported a rape and they did nothing because there was no evidence anyway (horribly irresponsible of them, to say the least.) I thought the same thing might happen to me and I didn’t know my rights. I don’t regret my decision to not go to the police. And this woman is NOT accountable for the actions of her rapist.
Jorge is a scummy dude but saying that an accusation should be backed up with factual info is not rape culture gone too far…
Thank you thank you thank you for sharing. If you ever get one negative sentiment for speaking out, remember that I am sending you a million positive vibes from across the internet. Take care of yourself, you are worthy and beautiful.
I do not believe this unreliable “conspiracy theory” that groups of people conspire against one person.
It is laughable and ridiculous. Why would different girls who don’t know each spend their lives making up the same story just for fun?
It’s disgusting to me that punks here in the US allow this kind of sociopathic behavior to go unaccounted for,
I expect this kind of behavior from politicians and bankers, not from people I see as comrades fighting
a fucked up society that promotes this kind of behavior. But then again, the casualties have never been
a punk band, more like spokespeople for ridiculous fashion statements.
Beth, I have also spent a good two years trying to get information on sturgeon from leftover crack, another worthless
“spokesperson” for US punk, who is not what he seems. I have heard numerous accounts of sexual assault from numerous people, much like jorge. Everytime I have tried to stage a boycott or protest his actions, or say something on the internet I get ridiculed and called a bitch. I have not been assaulted by him, but just LOOKING for info is an awful ordeal in itself.
Jenn Sucks, it’s funny how much you hear in person compared to what you find online isn’t it? Would love to hear how successful you’ve been as I’m currently sitting in the same situation.
Thank you for writing this. The fact that you’re still speaking out about your experience is so important, and I admire your strength. People who are sexually assaulted need to know that they don’t have to keep quiet. Your son is lucky to have such a strong mother!
Just a word of advice from someone who’s been there, you need to confront the person not their fans.
Getting into it with their fans on the street or on the Internet may make you feel better, but you’re rarely going to change their minds and they aren’t the ones you should be mad at. It’s misplaced aggression.
There’s a way to do it, and a way not to do it. This shouldn’t be posted anonymously on a blog, this should be posted by you on their Facebook page, or shouted by you out back at him before or after the show.
When I was 13 a singer of a band tried to take advantage of me. He was over 21 and kept buying me beers and giving them to me backstage. At 13 you think you’re a grown up, you think you’re on the level with adults and you want to keep your cool and prove you’ve got a right to be there and not kicked out and stuck in the sandbox. I got real over my head real fast, but luckily I found the power to say no, and when I made my point clear it ended. In his defense I didn’t look 13, but I sure as hell didn’t pass for legal age.
When I grew older and realized what a child I was and I realized what a scumbag move that was for a grown man to make. Getting a child drunk. Wtf.
So, as an adult, and even to this day, i dont seek him out but if I come across a club where his band is playing I tell him he’s a pedophile to his face and tell all the groupies in ear shot he plied a 13 year old with alcohol after a show to try and get in her pants. You know what? It feels great. It’s placing the anger squarely where it belongs. Confronting someone to their face is powerful stuff and truth is a mighty weapon… and while I’m sure he denies it when I’m not in earshot he and his band mates know the truth.
I think this way, posting something like a blind item from pg 6, comes across as indirect an thus is taken as insincere. The truth will set you free. The way this is written you pretty much name names, but the fact that you actually don’t put his first and last name together is a bit odd. If its true why side step it? The fact that you don’t name him yet leave the reader with absolutely no doubt who you are talking about while simultaneously leaving no breadcrumbs about yourself or the time and place isn’t very cool. Are you afraid of libel? If its the truth why only shine the light on part of the incident?
I’ve hung out with the Casualties on several occasions, though I am a few years older than you so possibly not during the same years (95- 98). I won’t say Jorge never tried to hook up with me, but I actually found him quiet, polite and reserved. Does this mean that what you are talking about didn’t happen? No, of course not. A rapist doesnt rape every female he meets or even tries to sleep with, but I’d also like to point out that rape did not occur here. Unwelcome sexual advances are alot for a 16 yr old to handle. I hear what others are saying, and while groping and the psychological effect it causes is subjective, its never ok.
You’re trying to put a really dark mark on somebody & while in th moment its making waves it won’t stick if you make accusations while standing in the shadows. If you want this to have impact you should go to the source and open a public dialog through Facebook or other means. Just my two cents. You can take back the power if you stand up for yourself, address him yourself, post yourself, and let the truth come out. As long as you hide behind someone else’s blog people are always going to question your authenticity.
Thank you for writing this, it really struck a nerve with me. I’m sorry for what you went through & for what people are still putting you and every woman in a similar position through by reacting the way some are doing. I’m really grateful you put this out there.
Similar problem. My wife abused my daughter twice and if I bring that up on FB, I am criticized for breaking someone’s perceived netiquette. Which is more important the Child Abuse issue or hipster social networking? “Your post made me feel uncomfortable” – boo fucking hoo. How do you think my daughter felt?
The rapist and the child abuser want to hide in the shadows.
I feel ya Beth. You go girl!
I just want to add, if I could, that the word “RAPE” is being very casually thrown around in comments and reblogs when even the author never goes as far as to claim she was raped.
Unwelcome groping and sexual advances made on a minor are not cool, but it is still a very different ball game vs rape. Anyone who would put getting groped on the same level as being raped clearly has no idea the level of violence, trauma, and violation that comes with actually being raped.
This statement is in support of both the accused and the accuser- for everyone who’s upset with her that she didn’t call the cops. The reality is that had she given the same information she did above charges would probably not have been filed.
She’s not allowing other young women to be raped because no one raped anyone.
This was rape. Maybe not where you live, but she was penetrated. Not by a penis, but by fingers. This is rape. Even if there wasn’t penetration, this scumbag purposely caused a young girl to be terrified, losing trust., and breaking any chance of enjoying sex for how many years? My attacked was an NHL star. I was on a bus and I’m sure I was not the first girl, (17) or the last. No rape, but it happened 40 years ago, and my heart is racing as I write this. Mr. Wilson is still around and likely has no memory of it. But I do. It took me 40 years to start to trust a man enough to relax. So, it is the ASSAULT that counts. The assault on our bodies is one thing. It is the assault on who we are, or might have been if we had not been attacked, that is the major issue here.
While it sucks that this happened to her. It’s pretty stupid to tell everyone in the world that they cNt enjoy the art that they enjoy based on the artists shitty decisions. Not to mention a band is comprised of more then one individual. So while I don’t think they should stand by his choices they shouldn’t be persecuted as a whole for thin either. What’s more of I am wearing a awesome Michael Jackson ” thriller” shirt how many people are really going to say ” hey he’s a child molester”? The majority are going to say hey thriller is a sick fuckin song. I guess the point I’m trying to make is it is ok to educate. It is not ok to impose. As it was not right for a man to impose his will on you. It isn’t right for you to tell some one they are shitty people for enjoying the music of 4 others 1 who happens to be a piece of shit.
1. It’s not exactly an anonymous post. The author’s name is Beth (Elizabeth), and her photo’s posted.
2. RAPE does not REQUIRE a PENIS. If you read this blog post, you may have noted a description of forced manual penetration of orifices normally covered by pants – on most female human beings, those would be the vagina and the anus. You’ve studied anatomy, at least a little bit, right? He didn’t give her a wet willy, folks. Women, children, and men around the world have been raped by perpetrators using beer bottles and broomsticks. They have been raped by being forced to have sex with other rape victims, upon threat of death or torture. PEOPLE ARE RAPED WITHOUT THE PERP EVER TOUCHING THEM.
If you argue it isn’t rape because HE DIDN’T EVER PUT HIS PENIS IN HER, you are an ENABLER, an APOLOGIST, and a DEFENDER OF RAPE. YOU are NO BETTER THAN A RAPIST, because you ENCOURAGE RAPE as defined BY THE PERPETRATOR’S ANATOMY, you let rapists off the hook. Your arguments are shitty, and your place in the world probably is, too. Go goat-fuck yourself.
Just a quick clarification, Beth and I are two separate people, we just happen to have the same name. Thanks! E
#1- they are 2 different people
#2- the author never said he penetrated her. You don’t “shove your hands down” someones anus, mouth or vagina. It reads that hes shoving his hand down her pants seeking to do that.
If she had been raped I’m sure she would have said she was RAPED and not just sexually assaulted. You’re putting words in her mouth.
You’re making assumptions, just like you assumed “beth” was Elizabeth from this blog. You pinned the authorship on the wrong persin just like you’re trying to pin a very serious charge on a REAL person using information not in the original posting.
You’re also calling me names and jumping to conclusions about me which are also totally wrong. If someone penetrates you in any way, with their genitals or something else, yes its rape. Rapists deserve to go to jail.
What I’m pointing out is a lot of commenters are jumping to conclusions and manufacturing details in their minds that aren’t in the original piece. You are wrong about pretty much everything you said.
why does it matter if his fingers were inside or outside her vagina? isnt the bigger issue that this dude found nothing wrong with putting his hands on an underage girl that was screaming crying and clearly not into it? that that only seemed to encourage him to keep assaulting her? how she conceptualizes the experience is subjective but whats obvious and disturbing is that this dude disrespected someones boundaries because he felt like it and either didnt care about the consequences or didnt feel like they applied to him. if the word rapist is too heavy for u call him an antisocial pervert if you want. doesn’t change what he is.
Ill just start like this my mom was date raped at 16 and had a kid it died of SIDS at 4 days or so. Regardless i can’t imagine what its like to be raped by someone you may have idolized or might have even as the kids say like liked. But this is one of those situations where people need to wait for all the evidence to come out. I by no means think you or other girls are lying but i don’t know the situation so i have no say in it nor will i take a stance on either side. That’s where i have to sit till more proof surfaces. I wish you the best and hope you finally get the closure you kneed
thank you Beth
thank you Beth
i’m not one of his
i have my own monsters.. but still alive and in one piece……….
All this nonsense about better parenting… When you become an adult, you don’t necessarily adhere to all the lessons your parents taught you. People rape because they want to and think they can get away with it. There’s no easy solution to that.
I am so sorry that happened to you. I know who you are speaking about and you arent the first who that happened to. I know they travel around staying at peoples homes and as a lot of people know in the punk scene you have band members stay in our homes, feed them hang out etc. The last thing people expect is to be sexually assaulted. You are a strong woman and thank you for sharing your story. We as women are made to feel like it is our fault when assaulted. I have been raped by a member of a band as well and I do understand where you are coming from. I know the situation fucks with you and changes your life. I dont go around telling people about being raped, but thankfully there are strong women out here talking about it! Hang in there! You’re doing the right thing by talking. It may just make a difference in that one person’s life.
I just wanna know one thing…Why don’t you do something real about it instead of just ranting??? If all you say is true, get this thing in motion!!! Help stop this from happening to anyone else!!! I’m willing to do anything I can to get everyone I know to not only stop listening to this band but spread the word…But you have to press charges you have to do something…Yelling at other people and ranting isn’t gonna stop him, save anyone OR bring you peace…You want peace??? Take it…
Thanks for sharing this Elizabeth, I’m going to go and take my housemates poster of this band down right now.
Thank you for being brave enough to come forward on this FUCKING PEDOPHILE FUCKER. I became a fan of this band in 1993, when receiving the first pressing of their first 7 Inch in the mail. I was partially responsible for help spreading the Casualties name in the midwest (I was one of many). Truth be told, the only surviving member of that line up is Jorge “Rapist Fuck” Herrera. That line up fizzled because of some incident involving a Heroin overdose of some sort. Through out the mid and late 90’s, there was always talk of that asshole molesting drunk/high girls at after show parties.
I lost interest in this band when their first LP was released. It was a cheap, half-assed attempt at reliving the “glory days of British punk.” The problem was, they became nothing more than a cliche band, with cliche riffs and cliche image. They sold you IMAGE. The lyrics are so fucking cheap and pathetic. It’s obvious they became a “business” as opposed to “a fucking way of life” they claim to live. Truth is, Jorge is an OLD FUCKING MAN preying on young girls that are innocent enough to believe the hype of his fucking band and image. DISGRACEFUL.
It doesn’t matter what you were wearing clothes don’t speak to rape.
I spent 10 years ages 17-27 working in the rock music industry and while I never had an experience anywhere near as traumatic ad Beth’s, I was sexually vulnerable and exploited. For years I had very mixed feelings about these experiences and the men involved. At 52 I am at peace with every episode that shaped my life narrative. I read what Beth has written, hear her intense pain, and i feel immensely sad. What happened was wrong. But she needs to let it go. For the sake of her health and her future she needs, in my opinion, to focus on what’s worked: the joys, the tenderness, the kindnesses. What strikes me most about her account is the band member who knocked on that shut door and attempted to apologise. That was a decent thing to do. If i were able to offer a suggestion to Beth, I’d suggest this: remember that night, but re-frame the narrative – remember that while a man behaved like an animal, another man behaved like a decenf human being.
I can relate to this so so so so much. I was assaulted by someone who works in the tv industry and is high up. Who would his friends believe? Me or him? I don’t know.
That band suckssssssssssss
Sometimes (most of the time?) my gender disgusts me. I would listen to you and not feel uncomfortable about your pain.
did a little bit of research, beth is completely a real person, laying low internet wise and I don’t blame her, it takes courage to admit to abuse, and I can’t imagine what it must be like for the assaulter to be falsely idolized by idiot kids everywhere, with their poor excuse of a punk rock band.
Im a man and couldn’t help but shed a tear for your past and also shed another for your strength….
I’m sorry for that evil act, and will spread the word….I’m tired of people supporting certain artists, actors, politicians, priests….
Bless your strong heart and brilliant mind
We met once at a mutual friends baby shower at Godfrey’s. I used to live in Philly in the early 2000’s and I dated the ex of one of the band members that lived there at the time. I definitely heard a few accounts from people about Jorge doing that shit to other girls and also had my share of run-ins with the total scum that are that band because of who I was dating. Always hated them and always will. As far as being a real buzz kill to your “friends”, I’d say to those friends you can be punk rock AND have integrity. Kudos for not backing down.
My father sexually abused…. Raped me from age 5-9. When I started bringing it to light, now age 38. He literally swooped in and took my kids from my house to try and silence me.
I feel dirty, embarrassed and damaged. I fear him doing the same thing to my 11 year old daughter who is begging to come home.
I shake, I have nightmares, I cringe when stands to close to me. I need help and I have no idea where to turn to. My mom denies it. Even though I had UTIs and chronically wet my bed and had nightmares as a kid. I ran away at 6 and 8.
This man will not destroy me or my family. I have cut him out the last 29 years and built a wonderful life. Help me please.
Amy,
I’m so sorry to hear about this. We’re unable to help here, but please, contact RAINN, a national organization to help survivors of rape, abuse and incest. Their toll free hotline is: 800-656-HOPE, they’ll be able to help you. Please, don’t stay silent, there are people out there who will help and support you.
Elizabeth
This is awful! I was a huge casualties fan. I’m done with them
What the fuck?! Who gives a flying frog’s fat ass if she didn’t call the cops or didn’t tell anyone right away? This is where the power of social media is exponentially more effective than a court room drama that ultimately smacks him on the wrist. I don’t doubt it happened and I support the writer. This guy sucks and he should be called out on it. Saying “I have met him, hung out with him and he didn’t seem like a rapist” might be one of the dumbest fucking things anyone could say. Fuck this guy and fuck you if you side with him. There is NO EXCUSE that validates non consensual sex or for that matter touching someone. I have tattoos and people love to grab my arms and twist them to and fro to inspect them. That feels like a violation to me when it happens and it gets real close to a fist fight, I can’t imagine what a full on, penetrating grope would feel like. If telling your story helps you heal…scream from the roof tops.
this is what we did in denver when they came to play here. they were on a bill with mdc, negative approach and the swellers. the band you see in the beginning of the video is negative approach.
trigger warning: sexual assault described, men yelling, rape apologism, victim blaming, strong language
Wow, that’s really great. So instead of directly confronting Jorge or the Casualties you focused your energies on Negative Approach? Instead of doing this right before doors opened when you would have had an audience, an audience with a direct effect, you showed up when no one was around to see but a camera? Who were you doing this for? Yourself? The Internet? E fame?
If you would have just stepped away from the door you could have remained, loudly protesting and expressing your point. Instead you got physical, not just standing in the way but actually laying hands, on another band.
There are alot of things you could have done to raise awareness, to do this the right way, but instead you did something for performance. Instead of engage someone in conversation- who by all rights you should respect, you shouted him down and made yourselves look ignorant.
Pretty appalling. I’m sure it makes for a GREAT STORY and you can tell all your buddies how you went to jail for women’s rights. SMH
this was part one of a two stage protest. we showed up to confront the casualties/jorge, but NA were the band trying to get in when we got there. a later crew of folks showed up at door time to talk to folks in line and what not. i didnt do this to make myself feel good. i did this to try to change things. and none of us laid our hands on anyone, they laid hands on us. but you’re gonna see this how you see it, just know that my intention was good. i’m interested to know what you’re planning on doing when they come play close to you…
Where were the cameras when Jorge was confronted? Wouldn’t that be the more important video to post on youtube and this site? The camera man wasn’t arrested with you, did he just go home after the cops left? I know I’d much rather see that and his reaction than people with bandanas over their faces like they are going to rally against the NWO shouting down someone trying to open up a dialog about the incident. If you look at it that way or not, that is what NA were trying to do here, talk to you guys. They even had read this blog post and actually knew more about the facts contained within it than your “performance artist” buddy. Also couldn’t help but notice the other guy who told the guys from Negative Approach he was 39 gave his DOB to the cops as 82. This whole thing comes off as disingenous.
Where are the pictures and details of the second, more impactful, part of your “two pronged approach”? Why is no one talking about what went down at the show where the people you want to hear your message were gathered, where the person you want to confront was present? Why is the only person even talking about this and spreading it around the web “Bailee Elizabeth”? Why is the headline “3 arrested” and not “Denver punks confront Jorge Herrerra” ?
This is just an empty gesture to get attention. More performance than protest. If you cared about the message and not just getting attention for yourselves you wouldn’t have shown up when no one of consequence was present. You would have happily stepped out onto the sidewalk where you could continue to inform. It seems like getting arrested was your goal because everything you guys did was counter intutive for someone who claims they wanted to make a difference. Seems to be alot of that going around with this whole scenario.
What do I plan to do? I will continue to pick and choose my battles and focus my energy to fight against plights that are factual. We just got a new trial for Marissa Alexander and now she’s out on bail instead of in a prison cell. Want to help rape victims and get rapists off the street? Think about how many rape kits could have been processed if the 3 of you had donted the money you just put into the system to save your own skin when you let yourselves get arrested to Test400k instead?
There are so many less dramatic and more impactful ways you could make a difference. Instead the 3 of you made some performance art for the internet you are hoping will go viral. 😛
Reblogged this on wemarriage's Blog.