Luck Should Have Nothing To Do With It

I got the call from the gynecologist’s office yesterday. My pap came back with some “abnormalities.” Time to schedule the colposcopy; I go in two weeks. This isn’t the first time it’s happened, I went through this about 8 years ago. I completely freaked out then, I just knew I was riddled with cancer. I remember feeling pukey for weeks, first waiting for the procedure, then test results. Everything was fine and I’m sure that’s how this time will turn out as well. I’m more annoyed than worried, it’s not a comfortable procedure, having your cervix scraped and biopsies taken and whatnot. But. But. IF it isn’t nothing, and it is, but if not, this discovery is early in the process, I’d be able to get the treatment I need quickly and probably/hopefully be over it without a lot of fuss.

I’d be lucky.
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Feminist Friday: Finding Joy

Friends, being a feminist can be not very fun sometimes. We have to fight all of the time against the very foundation of our society. We have to rail against misogyny at work, on television, in our judicial system, on the street, on the internet, in our own homes. We spend huge chunks of time outraged. We debate feminist theory in our down time, what wave of feminism is happening now, can men be feminist, is feminism as inclusive as it should be, who do we hate today? It’s friggin exhausting. There has to be a reward for all of this work, right?

So, here, now, I’m going to share a list of things that make me happy as a feminist. Because some times I want to be excited about life and not constantly looking for the next battle. If we’re too concerned with finding the next outrage, we become the stereotype – the humorless feminist killjoy. And I am too damn delighted with being alive to allow that to happen. So, the awesomeness of feminism, in no particular order:

1. Elizabeth Warren, Kirsten Gillibrand, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Wendy Davis – we’ve got some amazing women in politics right now. You may not agree with them 100%, I don’t and I’m a crazy lefty, but these women are continually kicking ass. Have you seen Elizabeth Warren give these financial a-holes whatfor? It’s a thing of beauty. Or Kirsten Gillibrand and Claire McCaskill dressing down military generals over sexual assault? I may have cheered a time or two. HRC rocked it as Secretary of State, and in the Benghazi hearings, when she basically said “Fuck you” to senators more concerned with spin than facts, made me love her even more. Wendy Davis’ filibuster was more inspiring than Mr. Smith Goes To Washington.

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Guest Post: Funny.

Here’s another guest post from David! Do yourself a favor and actually click through and watch the videos. Maybe put on some of those fancy new Depends that are advertised on MSNBC all the damn time first. 

I’ve been thinking about comedy a lot lately. And yes, as one of the few non-parents posting here, I know exactly what kind of asshole I sound like by saying that. With all my luxurious free time, why don’t I just sit and have a nice think about comedy? Bear with me here.

I’ve had, at times, a combative relationship with comedy. In my formative, ‘I’m a storyteller, damn it!’ years, I think I saw comedy as a relatively simple thing. A trifle. A nice diversion, but certainly not a form of expression. Then I hit my adult years and actually had real adult shit happen – those situations for which no one can tell you what to do and the best support you get is a shrug and a, “That sucks.” If you’re lucky. And I found that comedy was beyond a comfort; it was a way of understanding that we all experience these things. And it was a way to commiserate with others.

There’s a connection that can be found in two people finding the same thing funny. It indicates a shared experience and outlook on the world. I wish there was the equivalent of a comedy mix tape. Remember how you’d make new friends a mix tape of the music you felt best represented you? “Listen to this Smith’s song and you’ll totally get where I am with dating right now.” I wish we had that for comedy. I feel like that would be much better indicator of who we are and what we’ve been through.
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Spare the Rod, Spoil the Child?

I was raised by parents who firmly believed in “spare the rod, spoil the child.” When we did something wrong, and they found out, it ended in a spanking. Usually with the wooden spoon, though I remember having to go pick my own switch more than once. We’d have to wait in our room upstairs until Mom came up, sat on a bed and said, “Elizabeth, get over here.” God, those words were terrifying. I feel like it always went oldest to youngest, but I may just be making that up. We’d all get punished together, so first was best, because it was over and you could just cry while the other two were getting theirs. Last was the worst, with all the anticipation. In the end, though, I guess it didn’t really matter when you went, it still hurt like hell.

I know at some point in the process, we’d have to say why we were in trouble, what we did wrong, and, I think, ask for forgiveness. At the very least apologize. I’m thinking this was before the hammer fell, because I know I was usually too upset to talk after. Was there a prayer too? My sisters have better memories than I do, they’d know. And the rule was you had to cry. Crying meant you were really sorry, and the bad-behavior demon/devil/evil was broken. That’s not a joke, the devil made us do bad things, made everyone do bad things. My parents did a brief stint at a couple’s therapy group program at the church. When they fought, my sisters and I formed a ring around them, shouted “STRIFE BREAK” and stamped our feet to get the devil out.

I had a weird childhood.
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Let’s discuss how children are creepy monsters

creepy kid

Cooper loves sleeping in my bed. LOVES IT. However, since we have a consistent bedtime routine, he never really gives me any trouble about going to sleep in his room. Or at least, pretending to go to sleep in his room. There have been many times that I’ve been in bed watching TV, or reading, or whatever, and I’ll see a blue eye peeking through my door, trying to see if I’m asleep yet or not. That’s bad enough, but I just tell him to go to bed and get on with whatever I’m binge-watching on Hulu.

The trouble comes when he does outlast me, and I’m already asleep. If he either stays up later than me, or wakes up in the middle of the night, he knows he has me. Why? Because during the day, I have no problem being firm and sticking to a schedule. But if I’m tired enough, I don’t care about anything. Cooper not only exploits this weakness, but has turned it into an art form.

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Guest Post: Can We Talk?

Today’s guest post comes from David, who many of us have known for half of our lives. He used to go by Dave, went to my senior prom with me, and is the reason I saw The Phantom Menace in a movie theater. I’ll let you decide which is unforgivable. (Hint: Jar Jar Binks)

I’m done with trying to convince you. Done. I don’t need you to validate what I choose to eat, to listen to, to pass my time with. I get it. You don’t agree. You don’t like the taste of that thing I’m eating, that music I’m listening to, that movie I’m watching, that game I’m playing. It’s fine. Your lack of like doesn’t lessen mine.

No, I don’t want to tell you why I didn’t like Man of Steel. No, I don’t really want to hear how disappointed you were with that salmon. I really don’t need to watch that online video of that parody of that TV show I don’t watch anyway to confirm why I wasn’t watching to begin with. I don’t need to hear your reasons why you like the thing I don’t. I don’t need to tell you the reasons I like the thing you don’t. Why is this the basis of all of our conversations? Do we really need to debate the things that give us some pleasure? Isn’t life dumb enough that we don’t need to make it dumber by defending or validating the dumb things we experience?

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We Aren’t All as Amazing and Dreamy as Ryan Gosling

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I was recently introduced to the list 101 Everyday Ways for Men to be Allies to Women. This was prompted by my announcement to my younger sister (who is a very intelligent, feminist woman) that I had written a guest post for a “feminist blog”. I was quickly informed that my views were not original or special in any way. This is a perfect demonstration of why many progressive men are not as outspoken about their feminist views as they could be. On the one hand, if we mention our views we are ridiculed for being “whipped” or subservient to women. On the other hand we are marginalized by feminists for “stating the obvious” and for not being feminist enough. To be clear, we are not asking for recognition, however we are asking for affirmation that we are doing the right things. Instead a of reaction “thanks for noticing, now if you could get the rest of you male assholes on board”, maybe it would be more productive to have a reaction of “That’s great! Now, how about thinking about this issue/idea that you may not have thought about before?” It’s amazing to me that feminist women wonder why more men are not allying with women on this issue. What do you expect when we offer support and we are met with negativity and criticism for just being a man?
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Kids In The Kitchen

I really enjoy baking. This was not always the case; it used to seem fussy and overly complicated. Then I learned a bit about the science behind the recipes, why things need to be done in a specific order for a certain amount of time, and it all clicked. Cookbooks weren’t written by OCD dicks, there was a reason for everything, a science reason. I like science and cookies, so it all worked out. Baking became something awesome and relaxing, follow the steps correctly and you have something delicious to shove into your gaping maw. I prefer to make things from scratch. They usually taste better than box mixes. They generally don’t take too much extra work. It’s cheaper in the long run. Choices are endless. I feel like a badass when I make something delicious. The only problem? I now live with other people who find my baking pretty fascinating.
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Guest Post: Pushers, Perverts and Preferred Pronouns

Today’s guest post comes from Rick – it’s long and completely worth it! These guys are awesome!

I read this blog the other day, written by my friend Maureen, and it made me think of another female friend of mine. She had recently received an e-mail from someone she barely knew.
It was a solicitation for sex.

In it, the sender figures that because my friend is interested in yoga, she must know that “the only yoga that’s not ‘bullshit’ is tantra”…which he is really “good at”, by the way…if only he could find a steady “partner” (because tantric sex is apparently a sport like racquetball). He goes on to illuminate her about why sex is so important to him in his situation at that moment and how, since he recently acquired a new phone, and a bit of money, some sex might just be the final piece of the puzzle that is his fulfilled life. So she should call him…

This was an actual letter. Someone actually sent this.

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Guest Post: Can Men Be Feminists?

Today’s guest post is from our first male contributor, Jared! We’re excited to have a Dude With a View share his thoughts and bring a little gender equality to the Damn Pants crew.

For many American men the mention of the word “feminist” brings a feeling of discomfort and often anger. They conjure images of militant “Femi-Nazis” marching in the streets and spreading their hate-filled message of misandry. Or they think of that “uppity bitch” they know who claims that all the world’s problems are because of men. This does not have to be the norm. In fact, it shouldn’t be the norm. Feminism is not a sex specific value system; it is collaboration between the sexes. So to answer your question… Yes, men can be feminists.

That being said there are many barriers to a more integrated view of feminism. For one, there is a very misinformed view of feminism among both men and women but specifically men. Feminism is NOT the promotion of women as being superior to men. Nor does it constitute the devaluing of traditional male gender roles. It is the belief that men and women are equal in a political, social and economic sense. Feminist blogger Sarah Zacharias puts it eloquently: “In spite of what some might tell you, feminists don’t desire to disparage men. We desire to stand with them equally… This means that instead of being bound to men by fear and force, we are bound by love and devotion.” To start to deconstruct the typical male view of feminism we must change our expectations of it. Our goal should be to teach our sons that “feminism” is not a dirty word and that feminists are not “out to get you”. Feminism, from a male perspective must be derived from personal integrity. Although men and women may be different in many aspects, how our brains work, how we interact in an interpersonal sense, etc. we are equal. Different does not mean unequal. Men and women have a wide variety of skills and talents, many that overlap, some that do not. We should acknowledge our differences and celebrate them not disparage each other because of them.

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